When we were high schoolers, more than a full angst-decade ago, I was part of a great thing. The class of 1999 was the first that had a science club in a long time. And so, we liberated Sturgis from the perils of ignorance and mental oppression. Yes, things were blown up, wings of the high school were evacuated, new school policies were written and then revoked around our actions. But most importantly, the tradition continues with new students going forth and winning the local science fair. (Good job guys!)
And now, I have accumulated the knowledge of a decade to formulate the next generation of thinkers and doers. So, I propose the formation of a new “science club”, but serious, and for adults (we can still blow stuff up though), and it will be in the tradition of the great explorers of past years. It shall be called “The League of Amateur Scientists”. It is waay better than that League of Immature Science, which is all about poo and wieners and leaches.
I have thought long and hard about it. This is the first time that this organization has been publicly announced, although it has been in existence for quite some time. In the past, members of the League were identified from an early age by an advanced computer search that found indicators of great science potential.
The Joy of physics.
For example, Mark. His science aptitude of skipping class and wussing out of important tasks made him a clear successor to the group. Now, his great scientific achievement has made him the unquestioned champion of the evil-overlord pickup sticks scheme. In this devious ploy the evil overlord requires the victim to guess the exact number of pickup sticks required to free his bonds. If he does not guess the correct number, the victim is plunged into a tank of writhing blood sucking eels. After years of computer programming and writing equations with funny made-up symbols on a chalkboard, mostly around Calvin and Hobbes cartoons, he discovered the secret, which shall forever be known to the annals of history as the Foygel-Sobolev-Pethukov-Corey-Klein-Mark Equation.
Also, in a seat of prominence in the League, is B*i@n. B*i@n currently works in a sensitive position with the REDACTED government and so his name and identity is hidden for his, and your, safety. B*i@n first became recognized as a candidate when he constructed his first honest-to-goodness death ray. Well, all Leaguers eventually construct a death ray, but B*i@n did it before he started to cackle.
B*i@n is demonstrating an early prototype of his death ray by illuminating a 23 watt fluorescent light bulb with no wires attached. (Really, I did not edit this picture!). Afterward he complained that his hand tingled and that when all of his sperms died at once, it hurt a little.
Bill Murray was also allowed into our group for a while, even though he was a marine biologist, for his discovery of the jaguar shark and later his statement: “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I’m going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome.” Words to live by.
We kicked Bill out when he showed up packing a Glock at our poker game.
And finally, we accept Chris “The Crazy Swede”, the high school exchange student from Sweden, posthumously. He is surely dead, for when he was alive Chris was a candle that shown brightly and burned out quickly. For example, when he put that touch sensitive explosive in the garbage can in time for our jumpy chemistry student-teacher to throw away a piece of paper. That was a good time. Also, that time when he made the batch of perchloric salts about ten times larger than the directions stated and then set it on fire in Mr. Bernie’s hood. That was the day we found out how loud Mr. Paris could shout. Oh, yeah, and don’t forget about that time he willingly and knowingly accepted the gatorade bottle filled with warm water and liquid nitrogen. Seeing his hand swell up after it exploded was great times, great times. Surely he could not have possibly survived college, and so we mourn him, wherever his mortal coils remain, hopefully in a single piece, on hallowed ground.
Now that the League of Amateur Scientists is public, we are accepting applications to increase the number of people who can join. Yes, this decision corresponds with the threefold increase in dues for new members, mostly so we can buy that cappuccino machine our clubhouse needs, but all that is merely coincidence. What we are looking for is the stories of scientists who are on the cutting edge of research, truly explorers and adventurers on the front lines in the battle against ignorance and apathy. You also get bonus points for stories that have explosions that go horribly wrong and yet still miraculously avoid loss of life and limb.
Chris, the goober on the right. Here, evidence he graduated. Or at least stole a cap and gown and showed up after the ceremony.
Look back on the long years of amateur science tradition, we see the great exploits of amateur explorers like Ernest Shackleton and the Endurance in the freezing south, Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay who clawed their way to the towering heights of Everest, and Theodore Roosevelt who beat down the perils of new Brazil with his son Kermit. And so we carry on the tradition of going forth, doing things, maybe not understanding them, but doing it in a very thorough and determined way. To all of you amateur scientists out there, we solute you, and…us too. Good luck and we want to see those applications come in soon.
Famous Quote of the Day:
Steve Zissou: Anne-Marie, do all the interns get Glocks?
Anne-Marie Sakowitz: No, they all share one.
Anne-Marie Sakowitz: No, they all share one.
PS We are also looking for projects with all the right stuff. If you think you have a project that the League needs to tackle, we’d love to hear about it. Better yet, go ahead and do it, and get back with us. We’ll be happy to write it up as a journal article and publish with it…er, for with you
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